3 Pillars of Joy!

The three things that bring a smile to my lips:

1. The Future. I would call myself a futurist. I read a lot about what is coming soon. It excites me almost to a frenzy.
2. The thought of the impossible becoming, well, possible. Do you remember "It"? It was a under the covers invention that was created by an incredible inventor named Dean Kamen. He invented the iBOT, which is a mechanized wheelchair that climbs obstacles such as stairs. He also invented a mobile dialysis system for medical applications.

Anyway, because of all of the patents surrounding Kamen there was a cult following about what "It" was. There were rumors going around that it could be anything from a transport device (much like that found on star trek) to a hover board. It ended up being a gyroscopic scooter called the Segway, but for a few weeks I was in geek heaven.

3. The perfect stroke. I'm not talking about golf. I'm talking art. There is such a thing of beauty that is the single perfect line or stroke. It can be the line of a woman's back, or the cut of a horse's eyelid. But the perfect stroke is a thing of beauty, worthy of admiration.

Jared's Premise

Okay, I know it is really late, but this shouldn't take too long if you want to do it.

I want everyone to think of something (real or otherwise) that you would define an INCIDENT. Something that you feel you would need to report to someone. Then I want you to write an incident report. Include Who, What, Where, When, Why and How. Also include names: Victim, Witness, Suspect, etc. Bear in mind that reports deal with facts only. Do not DRAW CONCLUSIONS or include OPINIONS. This is not a story but an account written simply and clearly enough that if I were a member of a jury (I use that example to add weight) who was not at the scene, I could still understand what happened. I hope you have fun with this. I am going to make it Courtney's headache to set a due date for this. I hope she can get us back on schedule.

My Three

Okay, I know I am late, but here is a shot at my three favorite things.

NFL Football. I love to watch it on TV and play it on PlayStation 2. Something about grown men beating the crap out of each other makes me happy. It helps me work out my agression.

Guns. I love guns. I want to own more of them. I like to shoot, I like to watch other people shoot, I like to hear stories about shooting. I just love guns! Plus, the smell of the gunpowder is nice.

And I like to pay bills. This may fall too close to the money thing, if so then I am sorry. It isn't that I like having bills, I just like getting them paid and putting them out of my mind. Granted I need help with them all too often, but I would rather be able to pay my bills than not have them because I cannot afford them.

I hope that is what you were looking for!

The Three Knights

• The night was dark and still. Barbie’s “supplier” had just left after delivering her “recreational” provisions. As Barbie placed the small colorful scrap of paper on her tongue, she prepared to be whisked away to “Fairytopia”…

  Okay, I am kidding. Let’s start again.

  As the night wore on, Barbie found herself lying restlessly, her mind racing through silly trivial thoughts. She wanted so badly to turn it all off and go to sleep, but alas, it would not work. Finally she gave up and decided to go for a walk down the little forest trail that she had used since she was a small girl. Just outside the Castle gate, she picked up the path and began to wind through the trees toward the stream where she used to spend her days swimming and sunbathing. She remembered how simple life was then. No worries, no deadlines, just being a kid and having fun. She longed for those days again. Barbie found herself sitting next to the water looking at her reflection.

  In the morning, Ken woke up to find that his beloved Barbie was gone. He looked all around the Castle, and asked all of the staff that worked there, but no one had seen her. Ken began to worry. He called all of his knights together and told them to scour the surrounding land and find his love. Hour after hour crept by, but still no word. One knight went to the cave that was said to be home to a dragon of immense size. Cautiously he made his way inside quietly looking for the lost damsel. Another knight found himself staring at the bridge that no one was brave enough to cross for stories of the troll that kidnapped and tortured anyone who dare try to pass. Yet another knight found himself at the seashore where stories of monsters had originated. Each of the brave knights swallowed his fear and began the dangerous trek across his obstacle to find Ken’s wife who the entire kingdom adored. Any one of the knights would lay down his life to save Barbie.

  As the sun crept higher into the sky and the day neared the noon hour, Barbie awoke. She had crawled under a fallen tree and slept, finally, only to stir late in the day. After a moment, she realized that Ken would worry about her. She quickly began the trek home.

  Upon arrival at the Castle, Barbie ran into the three knights who returned at the same time from their adventures. She listened as each one told their story.

  “I was nervous about going into that cave, but I knew that Barbie might be in there, so I had to go. About five steps in I heard a great roar. It scared me to death. But I pressed on. Then, about thirty paces into the cave, I found a small pool of water. The melting snowcaps from the mountain feed that pool, and every few seconds, another rush of water causes a loud crashing wave in the pool. There is no dragon, just his roar!”

  “Well, I found myself at that troll bridge. People have reported actually seeing the troll and running away before it could catch them. I too had no choice but to overcome my fear and cross the bridge looking for Barbie. About halfway across the bridge, I saw the troll moving up the bank of the river below me. I drew my sword, and the troll stopped. I called out a warning, but the troll just stayed in the same place watching me. Finally I made my way to the troll, and found that it wasn’t a troll at all. It was just an old thorn bush that had a discarded cloak tangled up in it. It looked real enough, but I guess that is what happens when no one is brave enough to take a closer look.”

  “Well, I found myself at the coast of the great sea thinking about the monster that has terrorized the coast for years. There was no boat big enough to provide safety, but I had to go out anyway to look for Barbie. So I climbed into a small rowboat and began paddling into the open water. I was about a thousand yards off the coast when the water around me began to boil. My heart raced, and I drew my sword not knowing what I was about to encounter. The water became more violent with each passing moment. Just as I thought the boat would sink into the whirlpool that was being created, a school of dolphins surfaced and began swimming all around me. Back and forth, jumping over the bow of my boat. I couldn’t believe my eyes. With a school of dolphins that large, nothing dangerous could possibly reside in that part of the ocean. The stories of the hideous sea creatures must have been sailors who were frightened by the playful dolphins.”

  “I am sorry I caused you so much trouble,” Barbie said to the three knights, “but at least we finally know the secrets of our land, and can begin to feel safe with our surroundings. Next time, I will leave Ken a note so that he knows where to look for me.”

  The End

Barbie's Dark Night

Barbie slid down the tree and landed squarely on her feet. That was easy enough. She then turned and headed down the street. Where was she headed? Her friend Jan's cast;e? That sounded like a good idea. It was far, she thought. But she carried on anyway.

As she got further and further away from her castle she realized that it was quite scary out side on a strange street without anyone else with her. Things looked so different at night. She could hear noises, but she didn't know what they were.

Just then a stranger rode up next to her on a giant horse.

"My lady. What art tho doing outside of the castle walls on an eve such as this?" The man asked. He had such a gravely voice. It really scared Barbie. She didn't know what to do. She knew her mommy and daddy had told her never to talk to strangers. But they weren't there now, were they?

"Waiting upon my gaurdsmen, Sir."

"Lass, I am affraid your are alone!" The man leaned down and smiled a crooked smile.

Barbie did what she had been told. She turned and began to run. She ran as hard and as fast as she could until she got back to the castle gate. There were her mommy and daddy frantically looking for her and calling her name. They were so glad to find her!

Barbie would never sneak out of the castle again!

Taste Great! Less Filling!

The grass is greener... greener... green...gr.

I believe that sometimes this is true. Think about it. Your fenced it. There's grass over there with no one else gnawing on it. It's just sitting there soaking up the sun, glistening with the morning's cold dew. Just beckoning you, "Hey, I'm greener. No other cows over there to poop on me! You want to eat me!"

So, you practice your cow-quando and hurdle the fence. Then the ranch hand comes after you with that darned horse who calls himself, "The King", and that rope of his. He chases you down the fence line until you realize that if you turn off to the right, away from that horrid fence, then you just might be able to shake him. It's worth a try. Besides that there's a nasty looking corner of the barbed wire headed right for your beautiful snout. So you do it.

A hard right turn and you duck under the snarl of the thorny brush and into the creek bed. You pause just for a second to glance to your left and right. Which way? Just then the rope of the cowboy glances off your right horn. Good thing he's not a good shot, huh?

So you decide to go straight. It might be difficult for his majesty to haul that fat butt poke up the other side, but you can slip through, you and your slim figure. So as you crest the other side of the creek you can hear the painful screams of the lost rider and the horse appears alone. You stare him down thinking, you can take him. This equestrian wuss. He's not even that much bigger than you. You duck your head and begin to fling the earth into a fine mist about you as you prepare to challenge the other other red meat.

Just then the stupid human emerges yelling all sorts of profanity as he is trying ever so hard to gather himself and his rope. He sees you and you see him. Change of plan. If it were just the horse, no problem. But this dope is just too much trouble. So you pivot ever so gracefully to your right and head the other direction.

Since you are somewhat wider than the given trail it becomes more and more painful as the native nasty thorns try their best to tear at your hips. Ahh, those wide hips. You wish you had joined the cow-yoga class earlier this spring now. You duck and scramble, but you can hear the thud, thud, thud of the mounted one behind you. You wind and work your way through the brush, crossing creek after creek until you see a break in the wood. Your thinking this is it! This must be somewhere I can really cut loose and get away from this guy!

As you clear the shrubs you are presented with a different obstacle: another barbed wire fence. You don't even have time to think about it. Your training takes over and you vault your girth upward and over the fence, just clearing it. But your follower was not as lucky. That's what he should go by, not "The King", but "Lucky". The horse managed to stop, but when he did the rider didn't. He comes flailing at you like a shot duck. Just as he is about to hit you, you move and he lands right in a pile of...

Wait a minute. This place looks all to familiar. "Oh crud! I'm back in my pasture! Well, I guess it wasn't worth it after all!" So, you just mosey over to your friends who are now staring at you in utter disbelief as you waltz up and begin to eat the ever so sweet green-gray grass...on your side of the fence.

Stream 2

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I’ve heard that all my life. Thing is, I have never crossed the fence. I have seen what lies on the other side, and wanted it. Sure I know that the odds are that once I get it, it won’t be what I thought. I still wouldn’t know. It is an odd saying though if you think about it. Where did it originate? What person decided that the particular hue of color on the other side of the fence mattered? Why is it even considered a viable cliché? Am I now being compared to a cow? They don’t care how green the grass is, and they are dumb. If I am to look at the world as a cow, then I have larger problems than how green some grass is. I need to break away from the herd. Move in my own circle. March to the beat of a different drummer. Now there is a good militant cliché. It makes sense, and it instills a sense of order. That is what I am looking for. Someone who believes in order. I hate open ended “hey you” practices. Plot and plan what you are going to do. Spontaneity is inefficient. It may work sometimes, but deadlines cannot exist without order.

Okay, that is my ten minutes. What now?